Thursday, 12 December 2013

The Day itself

I said in my last post, that my due date itself wasn't so bad.  In fact, it was a good day because of some careful planning, my dear husband and some brilliant and talented winemakers! 

DH is in the wine industry and on our due date he had been invited to a bbq by one of his winemaker customers.  It was the perfect thing for us, on this difficult day, to be together and look forward to a social event.

I re-arranged my working hours and spent the day with him.  We travelled to the wine region and he spent the morning visiting customers while I tagged along.  By another amazing coincidence, my parents were holidaying in that region, so we met them for lunch.

I had the best ever gluten free pizza I have ever tasted in my life!!  DH has been wanting to take me there ever since he discovered it on another one of his trips.  It was the perfect choice for this day and it was lovely having lunch with my folks.

Then a couple more visits and we arrived at the bbq.  Oh my goodness!  It was an amazing wine tasting experience.  There were many winemakers there and each of them brought selections of their best red wines.  I have never been to a party where there were so many wine lovers all indulging in the pleasure of red wine.  Just looking around the party at everyone with their wine glasses gave me such a thrill.  What an experience!!

But the best experience was of course, the wine itself.  Of particular note, was a vertical tasting of the best red wine I have ever had.  It was from the winemaker who hosted the party and retails for $120 a bottle!!!  Wow!  A vertical tasting is when you taste different years of the same wine.  There were three years of this particular wine - an 05, 06 and an 09.  It is amazing.  You can really taste the difference in each year.  No two years are ever the same.  Yet all were brilliant!  In talking to him, it was all about the grapes that were used, the weather of the season and other factors.  It was just fascinating!  And I got just a little bit drunk!

It was a fun, relaxing and memorable day.  A perfect antidote for a difficult date.  And to spend the whole day with DH helped enormously.

I am glad the day has passed.  There is a sense of a new beginning, a shift in the grieving.  My time that I should have been pregnant is over and it is a little easier to move on.

Love and Light

Wednesday, 11 December 2013

The Due Date and coming to terms

For the last few weeks, I've needed a break from the childless world.  I've needed to find my own space again and to allow the grieving to run its course.  I stopped reading the books as well, just occasionally still working my way through Jodie Day's book "Rocking The Life Unexpected", but without doing the exercises.  I know I will go back through and do them at some point.

A lot has happened and it will take a few posts to catch up. 

The biggest thing was the coming and going of my due date. 

It was on December 3rd.  Exactly one week before my 45th birthday.

The day itself was, surprisingly, a good day, thanks to my husband and some careful planning.  It was the lead up to it that was horrible.  I think though, that all the grieving I had to about that day was done in the lead up.  By the time the day itself came around, I had already grieved.  And because the day was busy, it didn't creep into my mind too many times or for too long. 

I know there will always be grief about this in some way. 
I know that Dec 3rd will always be a date that will remind me.
I am still so sad.

The strange thing is the nature of the grief. 

When I get triggered by something, what I feel now is sadness more than grief.
But ever now and then, with no warning, grief will hit me like a ton of bricks and I am back in its depths once more.  There is never a reason or a trigger.  It is just like a big wave that comes and washes me back out.  And then, after a while, it goes again and I am back.

I don't understand it.  But I guess I don't have to.  I just have to keep working my way through it.

Yet amongst all of that, has been a sense of coming terms with my life as a childless woman.  I'm finding my life again.  New things are coming into it.  I have been busy again and finding enjoyment in new directions. 

My brother asked me to get the office side of his business in order.  It is a job that has been a long time coming and I am gradually bringing order to the chaos!  I have been really enjoying the process, not to mention getting paid again!

I've also been volunteering in the music office at school.  I am learning the ropes, enjoying the company, happy to be helping.  Fingers crossed it may lead to some paid work - maybe a day a week.  Even it doesn't though, it has been really good for me.  I am loving being a part of the music department in a new way, I have thrived in the office environment and volunteering has been good for my soul.  And interestingly, it has brought a different dimension to the teaching that I am still doing, because I am seeing the department as a whole, not just from the angle of an instrumental teacher.

While there is still so much that is so difficult, I am SO grateful to be seeing some positives creeping in!  And when I think about some of the timings of the things around me, I know that I am being looked after.

Love and Light.