Friday, 30 August 2013

Happy Husbands Day

Today I've been browsing through Jen's posts over at Altered Type.  I've enjoyed reading her blog and it's varieties of topics!  The best thing I came across though was this - her newly invented (last year!) Happy Husbands Day to replace Fathers Day!

The timing is perfect.  This Sunday is Fathers Day and we are having all the family around to our place in the evening to celebrate with my father this special day.  I am definitely going to do something for Dave during the day.

Earlier this year, on Mothers Day, we were pregnant with our child whom we eventually lost at 12 weeks.  He gave me with the most beautiful card and present for what we had hoped was going to be the first of many Mothers Day.  It was just wonderful.  I was so excited and heartwarmed by it.  My first Mothers Day.

I had my fingers crossed that I could do the same for him this Sunday.  But we received the news Wednesday that our last embryo didn't take.

I am so grateful to have read Jen's post today so that I could something for Dave and begin this new tradition for us a family of two.  At this point, I'm not feeling anything about Mothers and Fathers Day celebrations one way or another.  Maybe I never will.  Maybe it won't ever be a problem for me.  But I do love the idea of celebrating my husband, of celebrating our union.  Particularly at this time in our infertility journey. 

Does anyone else do something to celebrate their family of two?
As a childless/free couple, do Mothers and Fathers Days affect you?

Thursday, 29 August 2013

Standing on the precipice

My session with the fertility therapist was fantastic.  I can't believe how much better I feel.

She spoke about our need to still grieve this last cycle.  Even though our embryo didn't take, it was still a life form that we had a created, it was still a symbol of hope, it was still our dream of parenthood.  And we shouldn't make any decisions until we have gone through the grieving process once more. I felt such a weight lift off me when I began to understand what she was saying.

I had felt that we had been heading to our forced decision to not continue with fertility treatments ever since the loss of our 12 week old foetus.  For me, that was the turning point.  It was at that point that my dream of being a mother was over.  And I had to come to terms with that.  Nemo, our frozen embryo, was our last chance.  Up until he was placed in my uterus, I didn't have any hope, nor did I want to be pregnant again.  I couldn't go through it again, and I felt that it was useless with my old and damaged eggs.

From the time that I walked out of the hospital after the transfer, everything changed.  All of a sudden, I believed it would work and I wanted to be pregnant.  I had Nemo inside of me.  There was hope again.

8 days later and it was gone and I felt that our decision needed to be made.

Instead, now I am standing on the precipice.

The therapist described it as standing in the grieving room and seeing open doors leading out of the room.  We need to take the time to look through those doors, to see what is on the other side and to decide how we feel about each option.

Because it turns out I do have some options.  She said in many ways, that makes our decision making so much harder.  We do have the choice of doing another round.  Whether it will work or not, another story, but we do have the choice.  With all the problems I have had with ovulation, it turns out that for my age, I have a high ovarian reserve.  I'm not 'dried up', but they are old eggs and, as we are discovering, have genetic problems.  We may never find the perfect little embryo that we need to have a child.

There also may be the possibility of a donor egg or embryo.  Very difficult here in Australia, but it is more of an option than I had realised.

We may still need, or be forced, to take the path of living childless/free.  I'm still not sure if I can take anymore IVF cycles.  Any there is also a financial consideration.  It has been an extremely long, expensive and difficult journey from which I am completely drained.

So, my purposes for starting this blog have shifted a little.  Yet they haven't.  I am on the precipice.  My old blog doesn't serve me anymore.  I still need the change that comes with this blog.   It's time to start exploring life on the other side of infertility.  So I begin to look through this door while I take the time I need to heal. 

The heart speaks

In my last post, I was beginning the road to acceptance of being child free.  I'm aware of all the positives that will be in my life and I'm working hard to focus on them.

However, on my walk today, I worked out exactly where I am.  My body and soul are done with IVF.  I have nothing left.  I can't bear the thought of going through it all again.  But my heart still wants to do another round.  My heart is not ready to give up.  My heart believes that we have one more chance.  Despite the fact that I have only had one pregnancy through IVF, despite 5 attempts, as well as three natural pregnancies over 5 years, and none of them have worked.  Depite the fact that our last pregnancy (through IVF) got to twelve weeks before it all heartwrenchingly failed.

My husband feels the same way.  Both our leanings are towards child free acceptance and all the positives (and challenges) that will come with that.  But our hearts still crave for a child of our own.

We even spoke of the fact that we are older and, while healthy, have a few issues that we both deal with.  To throw a kid into the mix - are we crazy???!!!  And when our child hits teenagehood, I will be late 50's!  Yet our hearts still speak the word "yes".

I speak to the fertility therapist in a couple of hours and will hammer it all out with her.  I still think we are on the new road of child free not by choice.  Will one more attempt really make a difference to my infertile body and tired soul, apart from causing them more strain and hardship?

Are there others out there reading this post that have had to go through the same decision making process?  What were your thought processes and experiences?


Transitioning.  It is such a difficult time, one of heartache and grief.  Yet it is also a time of reflection.  A time to ponder what the future holds.

All of these things were happening during my first night living child free after infertility/loss.  I couldn't sleep.  My mind was shifting and whirling with thoughts and emotions.  I shifted from grief and loss, to guilt, to feeling like a failure, to reflecting on my life now, to making plans for our future and then back to grief and heartache again.

How on earth do we come to terms with such an enormous thing?

Living in the present.  Taking each and every day for what it is.  Accepting the emotions we are feeling.  Allowing them to work their way through.

Today I am allowing myself to drift.  I am seeing the fertility clinic's therapist this afternoon but until then, I will drift through the day, giving myself time to simply BE and begin coming to terms with our decision.

Cleaning and tidying the house always helps me clear my mind and feel more peaceful.
I am looking forward to baking.
I am really enjoying being in a new area of the blogging world.
And I look forward to taking the dog for a walk.

This morning I packed up all my infertility paraphernalia.
No more injections, no more hormones, tablets, blood tests and prescription forms.
No more sitting on beds with stirrups and exposing myself!!
No more surgeries.

Dave and I really enjoyed our dinner last night.  We made pizza with HAM!!!  and SOFT CHEESE!!!  :):)  And we drank WINE!!  :) 
No more food restrictions.
I can get back into heavy physical labour - gardening in particular as we are just establishing our new organic vegetable patch.
Sinking my hands into the potting mix once more and starting some new and interesting potting creations!
I can do the heavy duty spring cleaning again.

It is also time to start introducing myself to the on-line community that I know will be a saviour in this process.  I have subscribed to several blogs, bookmarked several sites and will slowly begin to filter in.

So far I have come across:
The Road Less Travelled
No Kidding in NZ - such a great title!
Silent Sorority
Childless Does Not Mean Less
Lesley Pyne
The Not Mom
Stirrup Queens
Life Without Baby

I'm looking foward to getting to know everyone and hearing their stories.

Love and Light

Wednesday, 28 August 2013

Beyond The Dream of Motherhood

Beyond The Dream of Motherhood.

My new life.

I enter it with great sadness, but also with great hope for a life of happiness and fulfillment.  For a life of personal achievement and satisfaction.  The kind of life that I wish for all of us who have been forced into childlessness.

So how do we achieve that when we have been through so much heartache and loss?

Step by step.  Little by little.
Searching for the things that make us happy. 
Searching for what we find fulfiilling.
Searching for the things that we enjoy.
Finding healing from all the challenging aspects of our past, not just infertility.
Creating a life not hampered by negative behaviours or emotions.
Creating a life where we are living fully and not held back by our past.
Letting go of it all and living in the present.
Being ALIVE!!!

To that end, there are so many things that work.  For everyone it is different.  We must find our own form of healing as well as our own form of what we enjoy and find fullfilling.  I find it very exciting to hear what other people love doing!

For me, at this moment, there is therapy, kiniesology, naturopathy, swimming, walking, baking, my parents, my great nephew and of course, my husband.

I'm looking forward to finding my way through this new life, to sharing what is working and what is isn't, to hearing what works for you and what doesn't, to being part of an ever increasing community of those of us who are living "Beyond The Dream of Motherhood".